Yes, reader. You guessed it. I hacked my sister’s blog. Possibly. I may or may not have done this with her permission for birthday-related purposes.

*DISCLAIMER: You may or may not be disturbed by the following images. Anyone under the age of 178, please cover your eyes.*

This …

… is me. Notice my white tail and my pointy black ears. Now, if you’ll pardon my identity crisis, I’m the tall fellow on the right with skeptical eyebrow raised, giving my hound the “kill command.”

Actually, I think she was looking for a place to urinate. More on that later.

Now, to worsen the image, we have removed the dog from the frame.


Here’s the breakdown:

Shirt: Gift from my mom.
Jeans: Gift from my sister.
Button-up: Gift from my mom.
Socks: Found on the side of the road for free.
Sunglasses: Meijer parking lot. I almost ran over them, too.
Boxers (my August pair): gift from my mom.
Shoes: The match I cannot find is a gift from my dad (I quote: “Hey, where’d my shoe go?”). 
Necklace: Not sure. My girlfriend won’t tell me.
Glasses hanging on necklace: Gift from my eye doctor.
Belt: From the Aeropostale sale shelf. Purchased on the day I desperately needed a belt, but was too lazy to don one. 

These are my shoes, and I believe some grass from a three-pound Green-Thumb (all rights reserved) “Shady Mix” bag of grass seed. As you can see, it’s in the sun, which is why it’s doing so well, growing-wise.

So, I put this outfit together when … I don’t know. Let me ask my sister about this.

My inspiration for this outfit was Indiana Jones and the Loch Ness Monster.

This outfit OBVIOUSLY works because, even though you can’t see them, there are thousands of baby chickens running toward me. The mix-and-match shoes (which I always credit to my friend, Jacob Geiger, who deserves some credit) have patterns that complement my boxers quite well. Speaking of which, they glow in the dark and have little alligators (whose eyes glow) on them.

My inspiration for the following outfit was a dress-code loophole where I could wear shorts and jeans at work.

This here, my friends, is a doozy that blew my mind and should blow yours, as well. Working at a hardware store, I was ruining my good shorts–yes, my Charlie Brown shorts (don’t mess). So, I picked up a certain Norwegian, bought two extra-large pairs of jeans from my local Goodwill, went to a graduation party and butchered the trousers. What you see, my friends, is a new brand of pants that I call “Cutoffs.”

I took a knife and cut part of the legs off. Surprise, that’s where the name came from! Now, to my accessories.

These lethal tools of death (I mean, constructive and educational-by-trial-and-error use) are my accessories for the day.

Here’s the breakdown:


I just wrote a song. I’m copyrighting that. My songwriting skills remind me of Britney Spears’s writing capabilities.

Here’s the second breakdown:

Shorts: Weren’t you paying attention? Six dollars.
Shirt: Gift from my sister.
Boxers: I think they’re in the wash in that picture. Uh, gift from Grandma?
Socks: Same socks as the above breakdown.
Shoes: There’s an interesting story with these. Not that I bought them at Meijer for $30, but that one of my fourth-graders (in the cadet teaching class I helped in) called them “loafers.” I quote, “I’ve never seen a big kid wear loafers. Are those your grandpa’s?” Brilliant kid. My cadet teacher teacher complimented him on his observation.
Glasses: Gift from the eye doctor.
Necklace: Not sure. My girlfriend won’t tell me.
Belt: “Gift from my friend’s bedroom floor.”
Leatherman pliers: $50, at the hardware store I work at.
Hammer: free, from my dad’s tool shelf.
Knife: $30, at the hardware store I work at.
Tape measure: A snappy $5.99 at the hardware store I work at.
Staple gun: free, from my dad’s tool shelf.

More on that later: Now it’s later and I have nothing to say except … happy birthday, Caitlin!

Caitlin IsraelComment